Today, I was constipated, and I couldn’t hold it all in anymore. I took a dump on my desk. I did. It gave me relief. I feel so much better and more healthy to have everything out. I was proud of myself for it. I showed my husband, and he was impressed. Yep. My dump impressed my dude.  I had way too much going on in my head, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. It had to come out, so I sat with a pad of post-it notes and took a big ole brain dump. I took all of the stuff that was clogging my brain and wrote it down. I wrote down the good, bad, and ugly. Each project or category got its own sheet. Subitems were collected into projects. There were no real rules other than to get. it. out. When I was done, I looked at my desk. It was covered. I brought in my husband and showed him my array as an answer to why I have been acting like I have an emotional sunburn lately. This sea of orange tabbies that act as multiple browser tabs and music stations playing in the media center that is my brain is why I’m irritable and exhausted. This. Is. Why.

I am prone to overwhelm, but 2020 just turns up the throttle on the nonsense. I don’t think 2020 is all bad. It’s just a lot. It’s the most extra year I can remember. We are expected to do all the things we used to do but in new and different ways. If only one thing moved at a time, maybe we could manage, but it’s all the things changing at once. All. The. Things.  Sometimes, it feels like a marathon run on an unmapped course with no finish line while wearing an invisible fence collar being remote-operated by a close-talking angry banshee screaming in my face with bad breath. It’s all of the normal overwhelm with a side of guilt and shame.  It’s isolating and yet so close that I feel claustrophobic.

The manual of “how we have always done it” simply doesn’t apply. We burned that rag for kindling in March, and have been editing ever since.  On top of in-person-no-hybrid-no all-in-no-hybrid-no-full-distance-learning with the kids, running my businesses, and attempting to keep the house at least two steps away from the CDC shutting us down, there is the regular weather, non-Covid related health of family/friends, job stresses, household maintenance, finances and all of it. Oh, and it’s an election year, which I won’t even get into because politics are so divisive that people are losing their minds and all respect for not only others but also themselves.  It’s all different and sometimes that’s scary. We can’t even give hugs or hold hands and cry together about it. Shoot!

On the other side, we have some GREAT stuff happening. Creative progress is having to take place at unprecedented levels. I’ve heard it called 5 years of progress in 1 year… I believe we may be seeing the rebirth of customer service in that fewer people are allowed in stores/etc at a time, so we get more 1-on-1 attention. Babies are being born. People are having to reconnect with family because they are quaren-teamed (not misspelled) in their own homes. People are having to find new ways to connect and conduct business. In the long run, we will rise like a phoenix. I truly believe we will come together with the world changed and better for it.

It’s been said that the only way to get through a valley is one step at a time. So now that I’ve taken a giant dump on my desk, I’m going to do the only things that I can:

  • I moved all of the things that I have absolutely no control over to the wall. They have to come off my desk. I can pray for these things, but they can’t hold giant parts of my brain all of the time, because I cannot change them. Feel the feels. Pray the prayers. Move on and circle back to rinse and repeat.
  • I’m going to rearrange my stickies over and over if and when my priorities shift or items are added. I will shuffle and re-shuffle those post-it cards, and play the hand I am dealt the best I can.
  • I’m going to do one sticky at a time, because trying to do more than that just makes me do a shoddy job at both attempted tasks.
  • I’m going to exercise and move my body, because I need endorphins now more than ever, and my body gained the Covid-19 (like the Freshman 15, only 4 more, meaner, and filled with anxiety) and they need. to. go.
  • I’m going to take a deep breath and start “walking” through my sea of stickies. One to-do at a time, the best that I can, and as transparently as I can with my clients and my family. Honesty, integrity, and good old fashioned hard work are going to be how we move forward in any way with lasting greatness.
  • I’m going to have to say “no” when things get to be too much, so that I can say “yes” to the things that really matter.
  • I’m going to crumple up the stickies as I finish them and slam-dunk them in the barrel below my desk, and I’m going to enjoy it.
  • I’m going to love on my people. Hard. Because I understand I’m not the only one going through this.

My list did not change. The things that I needed to do did not change. My perspective changed. I can see all of the things I’m juggling, and I am ready to adjust and move forward.

Are you like me? Have you been hitting the overwhelm-override button a little too much lately? Get yourself a big fat pack of sticky notes, and pull up your desk. You may just need to take a big dump. Give it a go. I know you’ll feel better…